Fatherless: Then and Now

We live in a society that is increasingly changing the definition of a “traditional family.”  Divorce is now a common occurrence. It is increasingly popular for women to have and raise children on their own, by choice not circumstance.  The number of children born out-of-wedlock continues to increase each year—in 2012 the number was 41 percent.  As the nation celebrates Father’s Day, it is common to see advertisements, shows and movies that celebrate dads, but outside of this one day a year there is a sad trend of fatherless children, and a society that extols the virtues of a single motherhood.  Before you start screaming (or exiting this article) please hear me out.

I typically do not write on “social issues,” I am more of a policy kind of girl.  However, it was brought to my attention that on Friday’s episode of The View, guest host Terry Crews engaged in a debate about fatherhood and single mothers.  He stated that regardless of how well a mother raises her children, there are certain things that only a father can provide (and I am paraphrasing here so please feel free to view his comments at: http://www.gossipcop.com/terry-crews-the-view-fight-single-moms-fatherhood-dads-video/).  While host Sherri Sheppard supported Crews comments, hosts Jenny McCarthy and Whoopi Goldberg dissented, basically stating that a mother can provide anything a father could (again I am paraphrasing).  This is an ongoing debate in our society, and one that typically elicits heated responses.  What was intriguing here was to hear Crews’ perspective…and I agree with him.

Here is why.

I was raised, along with two siblings, by a single mom.  My father died when I was rather young, so it was by circumstance that my mother became a single mom, but it was a choice she made not to remarry.   As a young child, I did not see myself as fatherless and never felt I was missing out on anything.  My mother provided everything she could for us—kept us fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, and emotionally & spiritually supported.  I was not lacking.  But when I started high school, something inside changed.  I can vividly remember the moment I realized I did not have something my friends had…a father.

No two situations are alike, so I can’t presume to assume that everyone will feel the same way.  My siblings and I share the exact same circumstance, but we all respond to it differently.  However, to say that my mom-as hard as she tries-can replace my father is a falsehood. While as a child, the only visible scar was tremendous separation anxiety, as a teenager and a young adult the reality became quite different.  I have attributes and interests that I know did not come from my mom but my father, yet I couldn’t/can’t explore those with him.  They are things I have had to seek out on my own.  While my friends complained about the torture they endured by introducing boyfriends, I thought it best to just be independent and not rely on a man—a liberal attitude that slowly faded.  When I got married, I missed having a father walk me down the aisle, as well as the father-daughter dance.  While some may say a mom can do those things, at its heart, it is just not the same. One of the biggest things for me is that I never saw a marriage modeled.  Though I saw relatives and family friends interact in their marriages on occasion, the whole traditional family dynamic on a regular basis was foreign to me.  I would venture to say that today a lot of children from single parent families get their views of marriage from pop culture, which in my view is the worst possible place. When things are modeled for us we are more likely to incorporate them into our lives.  As entertaining as pop culture may be, it is not real and not something I want to see emulated.

I am certain I could continue to list things for you, but that is not my objective.  My point is not to disparage the job single moms are doing.  Like my own mom, I am sure the single moms out there are doing the best they can.  My point is to encourage society to not diminish the influence a father truly has—present or not.  Nor to diminish the influence a strong male figure can have.  While I never had a father, I did and do have male influences in my life that have been instrumental. I have been shaped every day of my life—in both positive and negative ways-by the fact that I did not have a father growing up. I have never run around telling people ‘hey I missed this/that by not having a dad,’ and doubt others do either.  However, I would bet that in the secret places of their hearts, and in the recesses of their minds they feel, think, and wonder what it would be like…would I be different if…how did I get…

Image courtesy of http://jeffallanach.com/dont-erase-dads/fatherless-chalkboard/